After these years without the Movement (I unfortunately grew up within it) I still often get stuck on one thing. That is insecurity. I have to explain how this has developed. Some people voluntarily join the movement, often at a later age, and others grow up in it. If you grow up within the movement one of the first things you learn is to put yourself aside to be there for the other. The idea is that if your ego claims space there is no space for God. I find it a good thing not to live selfishly and to have attention for ones neighbour. That will make you a better person. But in the Movement they carry this several steps further. Someone who also left the Movement years ago told me of an incident at “the hour of truth” (this is a moment when somebody is being told what is thought to be good or bad about him). This person had to listen for three hours to exclusively negative aspects about himself. At the very last moment there was also something positive to be mentioned namely that everything could be said, that this person was open for the criticism. That he was completely devastated after these hours was of no importance, there was just very little positive to be said. The depth of a human being is in this way tread upon. Eventually you become an empty shell that can be filled with someone else’s contents at their good finding. You might say; but you were there yourself? But this is a process of years during which repeatedly pieces of your Self are taken away from you and you believe that it is for the better. That is how you are supposed to bring Jesus in the midst, through a complete loss of yourself. You tend to forget that the others are also only human and not full of Love and that they misuse their power.
Sometimes there is a small compliment to be paid. “Well done you” and then you might climb in the hierarchy of the Movement. You belong. But in order to belong you lose yourself. All that contributes to your personality has to be suppressed. The small left over pieces are captured in lies that are being told about you.
Now, years after having turned my back on the Movement, I have grown to be an independent adult. People around me see me as a beautiful person who can contribute to a better world, much more than I ever tried in my years in the Movement. But that was a long road to walk! Many tears of insecurity, who am I, may I exist, am I really as bad as all this?
I have needed time to discover who I am and it turned out that I was a good person. The brainwashing techniques of the Movement were constantly in the way.
Hundreds of people can tell you that you are not bad and that you haven’t done anything wrong but the wound of insecurity has to heal slowly. Fortunately I have a lot of sweet people around me who believe in me as a person. Who love me with all my shortcomings and don’t hold them against me. People who laugh and cry with me without me having to change who I am. I am not alone anymore and I wish the same for you.
If you are the one to read this and you understand and long for being loved as the one you are and not because you do what is expected of you, then I can tell you that there is a life after the Focolare. You will find your own way and become happy. You do not have to lose your own ideal, you do not lose God. What you will lose are the people that you spent years regarding as your own family and friends. To them it is unacceptable that you do well without the Movement. Through this you also understand that they are never concerned about you wellbeing but only about the wellbeing of the Movement. Eventually you will discover that that what is not actually real is also something that you will not need. There will be people on your path from all layers of society that will mean more to you with far more contents than you ever experienced within the Movement and than you would ever have believed possible.
I have now become a complete person and because I take better care of myself I can care better for the people around me. Much better than I ever did all those years in the movement. I keep my ideal for a better world, but inside the Movement we will unfortunately never “become one” because too many other motives play a part there.
I wholeheartedly hope that the successor of Chiara will see the human being in the focolarini, because they do indeed deserve it. My heart goes out to them all because they all try to live for their ideals, not realizing that they completely lose themselves in the process and become puppets on a string. I have the right to say this because I have been there. I honestly wish them all the best.
An ex-member of the Focolare movement.
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