My story

It was probably no coincidence that they were just about to make a recording of Mariapolisongs when I first came in contact with the Focolare. I was good at making music so I could help out. No membership, no commitment other than to go there and do what I liked so much, making music. And suddenly, before you know it you’re just IN. I most certainly had a name in the register already then back in 1983. And through the years I know now that I’ve been adherenti, youth for a united world, pregen, gen, esterne, and after 1996 when I left the movement I probably ended up as Morto-dead.

I suppose that is not such a bad name because sometimes when leaving the Focolare that is the way you feel. Not because You have failed to stick to the only true Ideal (I never believed that and now even less), but because through the years you’ve been robbed of pieces of yourself, of connections to people and the universe and of growth. The problem is of course that you don’t really know what you are missing.

I was, as most people joining the movement, idealistic. But then again, as a 14year old that is often the case. I know now that a price is being paid when living within the movement. It is disillusion and reduction in idealism. I believe that the unhealthy system, the teachings of Chiara and the execution of these dogmas create in the worst case damage to people and in the mild case lack of personal development. When you leave (or when you’re still in there for that matter) a lot of energy and time has to go into repair of yourself or pure survival. Thus, idealistic people who want to live for and carry out the good in the world are incapacitated and first have to heal their own wounds.

I am not saying that there are no wounds to be healed if there would be no movement, of course there are. I am not saying that you should not try to be aware of your own wounds and work in the healing process. My message is however that the movement inflicts damage that has to be taken care of so that the net result could even be more space for evil to spread. That is something to bear in mind when people say that the Ideal is good and only sometimes people responsible within the movement make mistakes.

After years of enthusiasm about the Ideal, feeling the greatness of being part of this worldwide movement, I slowly realized that behavior opposite to my natural self was the most rewarded. To tell an experience about how I as a very shy person would walk the streets as a sandwichman to promote concerts of Gen Verde was applauded. When I as a devoted physician would leave my duties for a weekend, to cook for 80 people on a weekend meeting, that seemed to be the ultimate proof of my trust in the voice of Jesus in our midst. When I left a dear person who was dying and I had promised to assist, to help out practically in the movement and that person died when I was absent, that was the proof of my love for the forsaken Jesus.

So my shyness, my devotion and my commitment to promises where undermined. And then I was supposed to use mantras like UNO, GIM, GA to “handle” these situations and when doing so I was rewarded with the admiration of other members of the movement. Or, even worse, made believe by people ‘responsible’ for me in the movement that I actually had put steps forward on the holy journey. Your personal characteristics, good – that are supposed to be developed, or bad – that are supposed to be worked with were removed and I was left with a surface of “holiness” without resonance in my inner self, my true self. This is one of the factors that finally made me go away.

At a certain point I felt poverty in the life and contacts within the movement. The people I met regularly felt familiar but strangers. It felt at first unjust to say that the relationships were shallow. After all we did talk about important things like God and love and that is not superficial. But it was as if all the shades and the contrast were missing. So even if we repeatedly said not only to live with the regular dimensions but also in the “supernatural” it felt two-dimensional. Sometimes I thought it was because I was not devoted enough. But I realized at a point that when we shared thoughts or ideas they were always expressed in a certain language. Reduced to “a beautiful experience of Jesus in our midst” or “what I heard at the congress really touched me deeply” it became irrelevant whom you spoke to. And indeed that was also a part of it; since you are supposed to love Jesus in your brother it doesn’t really matter who the brother actually is.

I missed the resonance in myself and in the other of who we really, truly were. The beauty of multitude in the creation and cultures was always emphasized in the gatherings of the movement but then presented as stereotype experiences or acts or dances. Sometimes I would feel enthusiastic taking part in one of those festivities, but very often that feeling disappeared quickly. The answer from the movement was the importance to keep in touch, to come regularly in the Focolare. But I believe the real reason for this enthusiasm passing quickly was that in the movement the message, the people and the encounters were made shallow. The search inside that everybody has to go through to find the authentic fire/soul/God was discouraged in the collective spirituality. So you end up with devoted, hardworking people without expression for or awareness of their true (divine) selves.

I think we all have our weaknesses, our different background, our wounds or strengths. My strength in this case was that I was brought up to believe your conscience is important, I’d almost say sacred. I have a strong integrity. So when you were supposed to tell ‘ everything’ to your responsible in the Focolare I always kept a low profile. When I was still in the Focolare I thought maybe I wasn’t eager enough to become holy together with Chiara. But slowly I realized that I reacted in that way because I intuitively felt that Jesus in our midst was not the loudspeaker of the Holy Spirit. I always knew in advance what the result of such a talk would be. More time, energy or commitment going into the movement would be ‘ right’ and anything pointing in another direction ‘ wrong’. This fact can of course not be excused with that the Ideal is good and the people working within the movement are only human. No!

The few talks Chiara gave on the importance that you felt that what was said from Jesus in our midst should be in harmony with what you felt inside are immediately overtaken by the dogma that the most important thing to do is to die from yourself and your ideas and love Jesus forsaken. In my vision the base, the Ideal (read the very first interpretation of God-Love made by Chiara) , is the crooked thing here, not only the execution of it.

Even though I’m most certain that the Focolare is a sect I do not at this moment feel victimized. I see my time there as something as important as other things happening to me in my life. It is too easy to say that if I had not been inside the Focolare movement for a period of time, my life would have looked differently. It most certainly would have. But you’ll never know how. It is a part of my life that I have to deal with. But I believe that we who left the Focolare have a lot in common. You could speak of exit-symptoms. Parts that have been taken away from us can be listed; personality, idealism, true friendship within and outside the movement, personal relationship to God (we were in a sense copies of Chiara), personal thoughts about your religious home (sometimes to make oneself one is not the originality needed for renewal), conscience, sexuality and sometimes money, taste and certainly time (how many hours have you spent closing envelopes, folding papers, preparing meetings, arranging flowers or cooking?).

I have named the Ideal of Chiara a retrovirus. It puts itself inside all aspects of life and it gets difficult to tell what is from Chiara and what is you. I see it as serious enough to advise people not to join the movement and to exit if they have the strength. However I’m also convinced that the things “taken away” from us are just hidden not gone. Maybe we’ve lost years but not the qualities themselves. For instance I believe conscience is divinely put into us and cannot be taken away. But we have to dare using it again.

Sexuality can be redeveloped or sublimated in awareness instead of oppressed. Your personal relationship to God is a difficult one. For me there is a lot of rubbish from the collective spirituality to be cleared away on a human/psychological plane. My firm belief and conviction is however that God has a personal relationship to us in depth of creation and that is always greater and stronger than all damage done by movements/sects.

I’m not sure the Movement is all bad but I know I don’t want to belong to it anymore.

I’m sure I have a lot of imperfection but I know I deserve love in spite of them and that I’m still on a holy journey.

I’m not sure if I am a mature and free person now but I know I’m good enough.

I’m sure God rises above all organizations and dogmas and I know love has to flow free.

Focolare, personal impressions

Hi!

Thank you for coming to my weblog. I have been a member of the international Focolare movement for many years. Now I have been outside the movement for over 10 years. But it seems that the years inside this group are still influencing my life. I like to write about these personal impressions, but I also like to publish some of the personal impressions of other people, from all over the world.

Everyday more and more people leave the Focolare movement. This is for several reasons, most of them personal. If you come across this website while you are also facing the consequences of a long period of you life inside this movement, please mail me or write on this weblog.

With warm greetings,

ex-focolare